now, i am okay

I remember the first time I started selling online. I made bracelets for fun, decided that I could actually make money out of doing that, made a Facebook page, and released my first collection. I was clueless, nervous, moneyless (after having spent the little money that I had on materials) and quite scared. Scared of what people might think, scared of not having money, scared of not having customers.

I remember that night clearly, that first collection release: I brought down the little tray that contained the bracelets that I made, setup my laptop in our lanai, opened a bottle of wine and started drinking. I wanted to calm my nerves a bit so I drank. I don't know why. It seemed so simple: make bracelets, photograph them, post, and wait for orders. I thought of the steps clearly in my head before I got into it. But as I was going about the to do's for this small project, I was overwhelmed by fear and worry.

What if no one buys? Kakahiya.
How will I get the money back? I've been cut off.
What if the bracelet sizes are wrong? Wasted material..
What if the branding is ugly? But I like it..
How do online sellers work these things?

I felt so uncomfortable. I wanted to just back out and keep the bracelets for myself. I was so antsy, constantly tapping at something or walking around.

But I was excited.

I was excited to work on it. I was excited to get new materials. I was excited to experiment and come up with new designs. I was excited stay up all night to make more bracelets and send out orders the next day. I was excited for the next collection release.

I was happy. That overwhelming feeling of discomfort somehow turned into ecstasy. It kept me going, wanting to do more and after weeks and months of my little business, I became comfortable and confident.

Now, that little business called Fellow was able to give birth to another one called Common Ware. Two mini businesses I now run alongside Anton who has been the most supportive, hardworking and creative partner. We now have a small yet growing following, amazing customers, a newly released collection of polos, and a first bazaar experience to look back to.

Now, I am okay.

I am no longer that frazzled and afraid, no longer worrying and caring that much about what people think, no longer uncomfortable.

But I want to leave.

I want to leave this state of okay and do something. I want to feel that discomfort and that heart raising, mind blowing sense of excitement to start something or do something. I want to keep doing, keep walking, driving, making, fixing, organizing; I want to go crazy again doing something I like. This feeling of being okay, having a routine and waiting for something to hit me is making me question everything. It's depressing sometimes so I refuse to just sit and wait. I gym. I organize things. I go out with friends. And during those short moments of distraction, I am at peace. But after, the unhappy thoughts, the feeling of mediocrity and being complacent creeps its way back to me, eventually taking over my thoughts and emotions. It's making me antsy but not in a good way, and it's eating me up.

I need to leave.